Max Xivaliar, A BeastMaster's Tale

[TheNewHorde]

Prologue

The evening moonlight shines through the thick and dense forest of Ashenvale, revealing a fountain of ocean blue waiting for the ignorant travelers to drink it. The furbolgs know too well not to settle nearby. No mammal or insect dares to enter this part of the forest. Not even the foul satyrs wish to disturb the order of this well.

A sound of cladding metal breaks the silence of Ashenvale as an unwelcoming figure drags his foot through the muddy ground one step at a time. Aware of his intrusion, the trespasser quickly snatches the pouch beside his waist and fills it full of water from the cursed fountain. Grinning, the trespasser shuts the pouch close and places it along with his other pouches.

Heavy, yet remarkably fast footsteps rush towards the trespasser.

“Wildkins sure have quick reflexes,” the trespasser thought aloud.

Removing his cloak, two large blades glitters through darkness. The trespasser crossed his arms to pull out a blade longer than a tauren totem on each hand. Surveying the surrounding area, the trespasser intersects his weapon while lowering his body into fighting position. Wildkins appears from all direction around the trespasser.

“Return what you have taken from this place and we shall not harm you.” The wildkin ahead of the trespasser speaks while the others growls madly.

“Two ways.” The trespasser replied. “You can leave now or I’ll have to slice your head off. Either way, there is no way you can get your hands on my pouch.”

“Very well, then you will have to face our wrath.” The wildkin signal the others to get ready to attack.

“You better make it fast, I’m in a tight schedule.” The trespasser pull himself back to full height and darts in front of the wildkin to his left.

Strong and brutal as they might seems, wildkins can move remarkably fast. Though not as fast as the beasts, the blademaster’s skill in weapons is undeniable. With a simply leap, the surprised wildkin was dead before he realize it. Two other wildkins seeks to slash him into bits with their piercing claws, but were countered by the warrior’s midair spin of his blades. Sliding past the two unmoving wildkins, mud were flying into the other three’s wildkins’ eyes.

Seconds later, the warrior returned his bloody blades with in the case beside his waist. Walking past the wildkins towards the dense forest, the warrior left six standing wildkins with their heads beside their feet.

[Inquisistor7]

Pretty good. The grammar started slipping a little in the second last paragraph, but otherwise the desciptions were good and word choice solid. Please continue.

[BraveLiver]

I read it. I liked it. A few grammatical problems with plural verbs, but we're not perfect.

GJ.

BTW- I think the plural form of 'Wildkin' is still just 'Wildkin'.

[Flak]

I read it. I liked it. A few grammatical problems with plural verbs, but we're not perfect.

GJ.

BTW- I think the plural form of 'Wildkin' is still just 'Wildkin'.

Yeah, no one's perfect, but for a third language NewHorde writes very well.

[BraveLiver]

Third language?! Whoa! What else does this guy speak? I only know 1 guy with Eng as third language, and He speaks Algerian and French first.

[Flak]

I don't know, but French is my second, Latin's my third, German's my fourth, and Japanese is my hobby language...and I can't really speak/write any of those as well as this guy can. Well, maybe French...but still. It's quite impressive.

[TheNewHorde]

I know I do alot of stuff on this forum like post an adverage of ten stuff a day. But schoolwork is really catching up with me... Can't really have time to think of these stuff anymore, I'll start to continue this after I finish my Algebra homework.

P.S. I think I did pretty good on my Science test. Except a few problems, but was basicly ok. See you on AOL tonight, Flak.

[Flak]

I don't know, NH. I have the rough draft for one of my English final projects due tomorrow and I haven't yet started work on it. I might be too busy tonight...but I'll try to find time on AIM. :y-wink2:

[TheNewHorde]

I bet you As all your English projects.... With all the hunter C thingys you wrote. (Can't spell it.) You probably knows all the stuff there is about English.

I remember how I started to learn English a few years ago then I stopped cause I moved to another country and learn another language. It was pretty confusing, when I heard all the people talking, it sounded like chickens talking to each other, with all the KoKoKo sounds in my head. When I first looked at the alphebet, I got this idea it's some sort of number americans use or their letters. I learned English for two years and a half, and even now, I still can't master when to use what.

(Subject, Verb, Predicate Nominative/Predicate Adjective) Does everything goes like that? What about something like- "Stop!" Pikacu said. - Is that still a sentence?

[TheNewHorde]

Chapter 1

Shifting his gaze from place to place, Max Xivalier searches for the tracks of the wounded quillbeast.

“It can’t be too far away,” Max Xivalier whispers to the fierce hawk beside him, “Look closely Thunder, tell me what you see.”

Thunder scratches its feathery inner wings with its sharp, curved talons as it searches for its prey. Two dark brown orbs scour the nearby plains and into the pine forest. A trail of blood reflecting the sunlight hits Thunder on the eye as it shifted its head to the right. Turning its head west, Thunder makes a sound of thunder clapping and flaps its wings extremely fast, but in a light motion. Speeding towards the sky, Thunder flies above the trail of blood in circles as Max makes his move to follow Thunder.

Touching the blood with his middle finger, Max comments, “Still wet, he was here merely minutes ago.”

Following the trial of blood, Max dashes into the palm forest with the sound of Thunder guiding him toward his victim.

*~*~*~*~*~*

On the borders of Doratar, a human army just greater than the size of a scouting force wanders pointlessly around the coast. The army is heavily armored, their horses covered in rags of blue sewn with a symbol of a lion while the men are carrying liveries of blue over their armor. Gathering his nerve, the soldier behind the commander rides his horse to his superior.

“Sir,” the young soldier with his helmet slightly to the right speaks, “It’s been months since we have travel in this wasteland. Don’t you think it’s a better idea if we head back to the port? I’ll give the orders.”

“What are you suggesting?” The commander gives the soldier a deadly glance, “Are you questioning my decisions?”

“No sir,” the frightened soldier replies, “It’s just that the men are running out of resources and have forgotten their goals ever since the beating sun puts all of us on edge.”

“So you wish to return to Theramoore Isle? You regret joining this expedition? Are you that weak-minded?” The tone of the commander grows angrier just as he is losing his patience.

“Of course not sir, but the men–,” Just then the young soldier falls off his horse as the commander strikes his sword against the soldier’s chest.

“My men do not need rest,” the commander says to the dying solider, “they are trained for such conditions. It was you who needed rest. Now you can rest all you want.”

With one final thrust of his sword, the commander ends the now-resting soldier’s pain. Turning his horse towards the rest of the party, the commander shouts out loud.

“We are here to find the Mok’nathal. Remember, we have abandoned Theramoore Isle. We are no longer part of the Alliance. There is no turning back. Whoever drops out will meet the same fate as this one.” The commander glances at the body lying on the ground.

No soldier wishes to displease his leader. Silence is the exact answer the commander is looking for. Jerking his horse back, he pulls out the sword from the soldier’s chest as the army continues marching along the coastlines.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Dodging left, Max pants as he uses the axe more as a shield than a weapon. The quillbeast might be too wounded to move, but his aiming gets closer each time Max tried to dodge its dart. The last dart narrowly missed Max on the chest by two inches. Unable to fly into the forest, Thunder can only fly overhead as Max hunts tonight’s supper. Getting closer into combat range, Max disables the quillbeast’s darts and forces it to use the spear on its back.

Jabbing Max with the spear, the quillbeast intends to make Max return to dart-throwing range. Despite his ogre heritage, Max’s agility is unbelievably fast even by quillbeast standard. Shifting swiftly to the left, Max slashes the quillbeast with the hatchet in his right hand. The quillbeast grabs the haft of its spear with both hands as it knocks aside the blow. Then the quillbeast feels Max’s huge hairy hand grabbing its left tusk followed by a giant toss into the air. Knowing it is all over, the quillbeast shuts its eyes as it falls toward the beastmaster with his hatchet sticking out into the air.


Later that night, Max feeds Thunder an entire quillbeast leg as he chews on the still-cooking left arm. Max throws another piece of meat towards Thunder as he sits up beside the rock.

“You did a great job today, Thunder,” Max compliments, “if we’re even luckier, we might be able to get our hands on a thunder lizard tomorrow. It’s been too long since we ate any thunder lizard meat.”

The hawk stretches its wings while it gets ready to take a nap. Max hangs the quillbeast fur next to the campfire as he covers himself with all kinds of other animal furs. Turning his head sideways, Max uses the rock for a pillow as he sleeps. Max Xivalier the beastmaster, the great half orc and ogre, the wanderer, sleeps quietly as danger approaches him with each passing moment.

[Inquisistor7]

This was okay. There is potential in this, but the sentences feel a little clunky mainly because you didn't use pronouns often enough. Instead of repeating a character's name use pronouns and other ways to identify him. Also, try using the past tense more often, because the present tense doesn't seem to be working especially well for this.